My anxiety about my son's ASD

I don't always notice it. But other times I can hardly move for being so aware of it. It's a constant, niggling underlying anxiety about my little boy with autism.

Of course we all worry about our children. We have small worries and big worries and sometimes they seem bigger than they need to be, and other times we probably should worry but we choose to ignore it.

But there's something different about the way I worry about Bright Eyes. It's chronic, it's un-ending and it's always just under the surface.

Every single conversation (or monologue) we have, every time I see him play (or refuse to play) a certain way, every connection (or non-connection) is a source of anxiety. Have I done enough? Am I doing this the right way? Could I be doing more? What if I'm not doing something I should be doing?

The worry is bigger because the consequence of not getting it right for him is so much bigger than with the other children.

And hidden in the middle of it, making it worse, is a streak of annoyance and rebellion that comes from me. It says, "I'm tired of dealing with you. I'm sick of giving up my life to make sure you have what you need when you need it. I've given enough to you. Can't you give something back to me?"

The follow on from that, of course, is guilt. I beat myself up about being angry but don't want to give away the resentment so it just goes around in a bit of a vicious spiral.

Perhaps I'm just tired today. But it doesn't feel very fun right at this moment.

Today, love is very costly.